In my backpack (parody)

For most of my runs I carry a backpack. This is a parody of my last blog. Probably mostly true. Warning . NSFW. I'm sweary, if easily offended don't read my blog.
Stop now.
Fuckin stop!!

What's in my backpack...?

Water.
I'm a thirsty runner, especially if it's warm. I'm heavy and sweat like a flip flops' toe post. So I need to drink! Lots. I'm not planning of dying of thirst in a field 10 miles from home in bloody Lancashire!.

Food.
Everyone knows that long runs and ultras are an excuse to eat. A staple food being the pork pie. My hubby actually Lol'd when I mentioned eating my egg butty while running. To be fair if cake would survive I'd fucking take some.

Waterproofs
I live in Lancashire. It's statistically one of the wettest parts of the country. Fact. In other words it rains. All the fucking time.

Gloves / Buff
Lancashire. Moors. Windy as fuck. Without wearing a coat gloves can be enough to help against the cold if it's just a bit blowy (as we say oop norf). A buff keeps your head warm, the sun off and keeps your hair from blowing in your face so you can see and not fucking fall over!

First Aid Kit
Because sometimes you fall over. (Maybe you didn't pack your buff and couldn't see for your hair?). It's part of trail running. And as 'ard as you look running covered in blood you don't want flies and gross shit stuck in the blood. Minging.

Silver blanket
Because I might fall over and break something, or get lost and need to stay warm until found. Either are likely. You could end up on the mountain rescue Facebook page or in the local paper! Chose your headline:

Gnarly, well equipped fell runner found well thanks to basic kit carried 

Or

Idiot out on the moors in a tee and shorts found frozen to death.

Socks
Did I mention it rains a lot? All the bloody time. Trainers drain, feet eventually dry off, but if it's hacking it down it's nice to have dry feet. Nothing worse than squelching.

Whistle
I carry a whistle, if I'm hurt I want to be found! And you'll sound cool if you do the

three loud, short blasts (distress), like you actually know what you're doing. Oh and I carry a mouth cover for CPR, hopefully I'll be given breaths if ever needed. I mean, if I didn't know someone I wouldn't want to get that close...!

Map
Ok so it's usually my friends who are carrying a map! I do put the route on my watch and my phone (os maps app) and still get manage to get lost. I've no sense of direction. None. Can't find my car in a fucking car park!

Do I carry this kit all the time?. Depending on the run and where I run, and maybe the weather, yes I do. It's probably best to be prepared for an eventuality, and mostly because I get lost and fall over a lot. I'm surprised I'm allowed out alone!.